PEER REVIEW
The stage lights rise. Two wingback chairs sit
aside a table center stage. The sounds of voices
are heard off stage as two men, The President,
and his chief of staff step onstage. The President
appears unhappy, the chief of staff paces
alongside, shoulder to shoulder.
THE PRESIDENT
Lawsuits, nothing but lawsuits! Tariffs, my arch, my fund for my January 6th supporters!
And ethics complaints about my DOJ, and they won’t shut up about Epstein! I’m
President, and these liberals won’t stop me, EVER! I want this done Stephen, no bullshit.
Noem is from South Dakota, right? You tell Kristi no is not an answer, I’ll make her life
more hell than it already is. (Mumbles) A husband who wears fake boobs.
STEPHEN MILLER
The liberals fear you, Sir. You are the greatest Chief Executive of all time and they know
it. Consider it done. Your face will be carved on Mt Rushmore.
Miller begins to walk off stage and the President
calls out.
THE PRESIDENT
And I want it painted gold!
Watches Miller walk off stage, shakes his head
and speaks.
People are right, Miller does look like he sleeps in a crypt.
A clutch of tourists appear looking about,
pointing toward “walls,
” taking pictures, selfies
and chatting quietly. The president straightens
his tie, and touches his hair.
THE PRESIDENT
Welcome to my White House. Bet you wanna a picture with your greatest President.
The tourists murmur quietly, indifferently
looking around. They turn and wander offstage.
The president follows a few steps.2.
2.
You people deaf? What is wrong with you? This is disgraceful. I’m President of the
United States!
A man, Theodore Roosevelt appears on stage
left. He wears a top hat, mustache, pince-nez
spectacles and cutaway jacket with tails. He
carries a cane. The man approaches the
President from behind. He speaks in an
aristocratic voice.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Am I to understand that you are a New Yorker?
The President startles.
THE PRESIDENT
Checks his hair.
What the hell! (Pauses) Um, hello. Are you here with a tour group? Bet you want a
picture with me, your favorite president.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
I ask a simple question, and you reply with a question. I understand you are a New
Yorker. Is that so?
Annoyed, the President attempts to leave, but
cannot move. The man approaches the president
standing uncomfortably close.
THE PRESIDENT
Looking around
I can’t move! What the hell have you done! Where is my security detail! Help! Where are
my Marines?
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
We have all been watching you, and even Mr. Nixon is appalled. Once again, I ask are
you a New Yorker? Speak up when I’m addressing you.
THE PRESIDENT
Mr. Nixon? How the hell did you get in here?
The muted sound of tourists continues off stage.3.
3.
Yes. Yes. Everybody knows me. I made my fortune in New York real estate, if you must
know. I’ve heard many people say I’m the best businessman ever . . .
Roosevelt begins to pace and speak at the same
time.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
From my understanding you are nothing beyond a scoundrel from the wealthy criminal
class. I made a career of exposing popinjays such as yourself.
THE PRESIDENT
Well, you’re a nasty piece of work. No one talks to me like that. I am the President of the
United States. I won the election by the biggest margin in American hist . . .
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Poppycock! We have come to find that result came about through skullduggery, billions
in dark money, and a mere tilt in the electoral count through foreign interference. From
Russia no less.
THE PRESIDENT
Wrong. Another liberal lie.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Hush you foolish pip. Meeting with Putin in Helsinki, and proclaiming you believe him
over our own intelligence agencies? Closed door summit in Alaska? Unacceptable! Never
should foreign adversaries be permitted to undermine American policy. Nor condoning
those villains who pillaged the Capitol. Pardons? Payments to perpetrators? Mr. Lincoln
will have more to say on that travesty.
The President appears shocked. He mouths
“Lincoln.
”
You have besmirched the nation before the people and the world. I would say you are a
compromised pawn of billionaires, foreign meddlers, and their sinister purposes.
THE PRESIDENT
You’re a nasty piece of work, and you can’t talk to me like that. My security is coming
and you’ll be thrown out.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Sergey Witte.
THE PRESIDENT
What? Who? Get the hell out!4.
4.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Hold your tongue! When you are in the presence of a gentlemen, behave accordingly.
Witte was a Russian, so you will approve. The Japanese had defeated the Tsar’s navy on
the far side of the Pacific. America had no quarrel with either Japan or Russia, and I was
asked to chair peace negotiations. My view of Russians changed with Witte. What a
crude, unmannered man, a contrast to the well-mannered Japanese delegation. This so-
called “diplomat” grew increasingly belligerent during sessions insisting Russia be
awarded more territory, though they had lost the war!
Roosevelt removes his top hat and sets it on a
table, and checks his pocket watch.
Good I have time.
THE PRESIDENT
Time? Don’t stay on my account. I’m a busy man. Law suits, attacking opponents,
tweeting.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Sit down this instant.
The president instantly sits. Looks alarmed.
Witte is the point! The Russians only look out for Russia, not you, a bankrupt fool who
fell backward into the presidency.
THE PRESIDENT
You’re setting me up. Some a-hole is filming this. Where is the camera? I hate pranks.
(calls out) Miller!
The muffled sound of passersby continues. The
president sits uncomfortably, and shuts his eyes.
I’m dreaming. That’s it, I’m asleep. Jesus, I hope I’m not in a meeting. It’s so unfair when
they take my picture sleeping.
To the man.
I’m opening my eyes now and you better not be here.
The man leans over the sitting president. He
opens his eyes face to face with the man. The
president startles again.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
I am not finished.5.
5.
The man again paces and speaks.
The emoluments clause is in place for a purpose. We show strength through integrity–not
by manipulating the stock market for personal gain. The Chief Executive is meant to
serve the people not himself.
THE PRESIDENT
Stop right there! I don’t take a salary. People love me for that.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
All the while racking up billions through shady dealings.
The man turns toward an imaginary window.
The president attempts to stand, but only
succeeds in moving the chair a little. He utters a
grunt.
THE PRESIDENT
My people don’t care about that. They want to win because we don’t win anymore. We’re
going to win big now. Barack Hussein Obama gave in to Iran. Not me. I’m bombing the
shit out of them, and Venezuela too. Cuba is next!
Roosevelt shakes his head in disbelief, and
shifts his gaze to the “Room.
”
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Napoleon’s foreign minister, Charles Talleyrand once remarked that though President
Thomas Jefferson loved France, and he did, Jefferson was still an American first. In
speeches you echo Talleyrand’s words, but you mean something else.
THE PRESIDENT
TalleyWho? Let me out of this chair!
The President tries to free himself as he speaks.
Everyone knows I am the greatest Americ. . .
Roosevelt sighs, and with a turn of his hand
silences the President.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
It appears you have no pets. Quite revealing that-regarding the character of a man. We
moved into this house with dogs, cats, and other pets, including a pony. How the boys
loved their animals. Our pets were considered part of the family. They and the children’s
presence made the White House feel like home.6.
6.
Roosevelt again turns his hand, and the
president speaks.
THE PRESIDENT
Kids and animals here? No thanks. (Pause) I know men who leave their businesses so
they can spend more time with their children, and I say,
‘Gimme a break!’ My children
couldn’t love me more if I spent fifteen times more with them.
Roosevelt looks doubtfully toward the audience.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
When men and women cease to regard a worthy family life, with all its duties fully
performed, and all its responsibilities, then evil days for the nation are at hand.
The president wiggle-walks his chair still stuck.
THE PRESIDENT
No one talks like that anymore. And for your information I would feel like a phony
having a dog. I don’t like dogs. And, you should know, my children love me, and my
wife, too. They are so proud of me, so proud. I’m President. It’s those Liberals that are
the problem.
Roosevelt snaps, waving his cane.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Is that why thousands of migrant children have been separated from their parents, seized
by masked thugs and detained without warrants? Why immigrants are dragged from the
streets and deported to foreign countries without due process? Liberals are not, as you
say, the problem!
Roosevelts clears his throat, and quietly
continues.
President Grant requested I touch upon the subject of military service. (Pauses) My father
did not serve in the War between the States, leaving me a confused boy. I could not
understand why. To me soldiering is the highest service a patriot can perform.
THE PRESIDENT
And now you’re going to tell me how great the military is. I really don’t care. Look, Greg
Smith from Newsmax is calling my office.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Ignoring the President.7.
7.
His decision concerned my mother. A lovely woman, my mother, she hailed from
Georgia, and her brothers were serving the Confederacy. You see, my father loved her–
simply loved her. He hired a substitute in his place, and aided President Lincoln in other
ways.
Roosevelt taps his cane and smiles.
Still. I idolized him. He believed so much in public service. He cared about children,
orphans living on the streets. Father founded the Newsboys Lodge, the Children’s Aid
Society, and the American Museum of Natural History. The last he did for me.
Roosevelt strokes his mustache lost in thought.
THE PRESIDENT
On Central Park West?
The man nods.
Been there. Your father had it built? For you? Seems like a big waste of money to me.
Bunch of bones and dead animals.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Serving the public is an obligation. My administration assured fair rail rates for farmers,
passed the Meat Inspection Act, and the Pure Food and Drug Act, to protect all
Americans consumers.
THE PRESIDENT
The president looks bewildered.
Why would you do that? There’s a lot of money to be made in big pharma.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Not listening.
As President, I never made a decision without wondering what my father would think.
THE PRESIDENT
Yeah, me too.
The president chuckles. Roosevelt frowns and
shakes his head.
THE PRESIDENT
Times have changed. Gotta get what you can when you can.8.
8.
The man whips around.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Which is why I am here.
The President’s smile disappears.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
(Wistfully) All four of my sons served in the Great War, and fulfilled their duty. We paid
the ultimate cost-our youngest, Quentin, lost in a dogfight over Germany. So difficult to
lose such a dear, sweet boy.
Roosevelt draws close to the president.
And Quentin was neither a sucker nor a loser! He believed in America, they all believed.
Quentin held fast to the tenets of our noble land and answered the call.
Roosevelt flashes disgust toward the President,
then becomes thoughtful.
In 1898, I, too, served as soon as I could. President McKinley had given me a position in
the Department of the Navy, but I resigned when war broke out with Spain. I assemble
the Rough Riders and shipped out to Cuba. Most exhilarating. My father would have
been proud, of that I’m certain.
THE PRESIDENT
My father would be proud, but the deep state is out to get me.
Roosevelt frowns, then and continues.
THE MAN
We were on foot in Cuba, a cavalry without horses. We lined up at the base of Kettle Hill,
and charged. The moment jolted electric, and my crowded hour began. Lifting my
carbine in the air, I rallied from the front, showing the men they had nothing to fear.
THE PRESIDENT
And see, that’s the problem! That is why the military is a chump’s game. Dying on some
hill for nothing, when I can live and make money.
Roosevelt gives the President an incredulous
glance.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
And as for rich, I understand your father made the fortune. Six bankruptcies I gather?9.
9.
THE PRESIDENT
Wrong. Lies. (Mutters, then smiles) And not any more.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Nouveau riche, new money. Gaudy, vulgar, pretentious, and hungry for the validation and
acceptance that you will never receive.
The president audibly snores. Roosevelt
continues to speak over the noise.
When I held office I used my “bully pulpit” in the best sense of the term. Once I believed
as you, that the natural world existed to enrich man. But that is false. The intrinsic value
of our land and resources cannot be found in stock indices or business transactions.
The president looks longingly toward the doors
of passing tourists.
Nowhere else in any civilized country is there to be found such a tract of veritable
wonderland made accessible to all visitors, not only the scenery, but wild creatures of the
parks are scrupulously preserved.
THE PRESIDENT
Well mister tree hugger I have gutted much of your precious protection and opened land
for logging, mining, and drilling. Say goodbye to the Grand Staircase in Utah, well, half
of it, anyway. Roads are being cleared as we speak, and off-road vehicles are roaring in.
And that goody two shoes, Obama created the Bears Ears National Monument. I chopped
it up for developers. Because that is profit. Profit is real.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
You are nothing new, but the only remorseless plunderer to reach the presidency. New
York City has produced a long line of blackguards such as yourself, criminals like Boss
Tweed, and Bernie Madoff. Driven by greed and power these men defraud the people and
the land.
For the benefit and enjoyment of the people.
Roosevelt walks around the chairs still looking
about. He speaks.
THE PRESIDENT
What is?
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Those words are inscribed on the arch at Yellowstone Park.
THE PRESIDENT
My Arch will be bigger and better, and even gold!10.
10.
Roosevelt strolls with his cane, and continues.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
I, too lived a life of affluence. However, with that type of wealth comes an obligation to
the less fortunate. (He pauses) Doors down from our home on 57th Street the poor
suffered in wretched poverty. And much like my father I possessed a troubled conscience.
Roosevelt touches the president’s chest with his
cane, then resumes his pacing.
As Commander in Chief, our charge is to work for the people. All the people.
Withholding aid to states you did not carry is a dishonorable breach of that trust. (Pause)
My love of justice and fair play may sound naive to you. But your blatant breach of the
law, while pretending you haven’t, is shameless!
The man strikes the president’s chair with his
cane. The president sits straighter.
My administration was known as the “Square Deal,
” and we, my cabinet and I,
scrupulously kept that promise.
The man taps his cane on the floor again.
My father counseled me to look after my morals, my health, and my scholarship. And
that, I did. Because he admired my turn of mind the noted sculptor, Gutzun Borglum
added my likeness to Mount Rushmore.
Coldly
If you have your likeness carved on Rushmore, I want mine off. (Pauses) It’s time for me
to leave, the others will join you presently.
The president fixes his eyes on Roosevelt as he
puts on his top hat. Then Roosevelt gestures and
the president bursts free from his chair.
THE PRESIDENT
Others?
As the man stroll off in one direction, the
President runs off the other. The stage goes
dark.
Gail Chumbley is the author of the two-part memoir “River of January,” and “River of January: Figure Eight,” co-writer of the screenplay, “Dancing On Air” based on those books. She has penned three stage plays on history topics, “Clay” on the life of Senator Henry Clay, “Wolf By The Ears” examining the beginnings of American slavery, and “Peer Review” where 47 is confronted by specters of four past presidents.
Gail Chumbley 